Of all the chess pieces on the board, the three that are most important to my style of playing are the rook, the bishop, and the Lego man that can move where ever it wants and is invincible.



You never see the bullet with your name on it. It's not like I'm stupid enough to just leave them lying around or anything.



When the Pope gets to Heaven, does he still get to be the big God-to-humans liason guy? If it turns out he's just like everyone else, I hope someone has the decency to pull him aside and kind of lay things out for him, so he doesn't just storm in barking orders at everyone. That'd be really embarrassing.



I say, if someone can't tell the difference between a stalactite and a stalagmite, then maybe they don't deserve to have it lifted up off them.



"Come on, eat the baby," said the Devil. "Oh, just eat it. Come on, just eat the baby. No, it'll be fine. No, really, no one's gonna care. Come on, just eat the bab- FOOL! Bwa ha ha ha ha ha ha!" Man, I am so gullible.



The populace was shocked to find out that the hamburgers had been made from people all along. But later it was discovered that only clowns had been killed. And besides - the burgers were pretty tasty. So everyone just let on like they hadn't heard about it.



If the government really didn't want me to have sex with children, I'm sure they would have made a law about it by now. No, I mean about me specifically.



I find it kind of sad that some people can go their whole lives without ever really finding their calling in life. That's why when someone tells me it's 'wrong' to light buildings on fire, I just smile to myself.



I think it's amazing that I live in a world where I can express myself without fear of censorship. I just wish everyone else would shut up.



If I was going to commit suicide, I think I'd jump off a building with little wings taped to my back. That way people wouldn't think I was depressed, but inventive.



The light from the stars I saw that cold winter night was just reaching me, although the stars themselves had died out millions of years ago. I had seen to that.



If I ever became a super genius, I hope I wouldn't be too big a person to really lord it over retarded people.



The mighty fish smashed his forehead against the side of the boat, again and again. "Don't worry," the old fisherman told the others, "As long as he doesn't have laser beam capabilities, we'll land this fish all right." That's when the first laser shot came. "Now what?" the skipper asked, but the old fisherman had disappeared into thin air, and was nowhere to be found. Later it was discovered he had just found a really good hiding place.



I sure hope that dull throbbing in my heart is just sadness, and not maggots or something.



If Sprinting Away Like a Titmouse ever becomes a deadly fighting style, I bet all those guys that tried to beat me up would just, like, feel a shiver run up their spine that they were lucky enough to escape my wrath with their lives.



"Look, just listen to me," the psychiatrist said. "Screaming at everything all the time solves absolutely nothing." I had no idea what he was talking about. A good screaming should fix his wagon.