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I'd like to think that football was invented by one visionary man; a man who saw the skin of a pig lying on the ground, and was suddenly consumed with the idea that he should inflate that pig, run around with it tucked under his arm, and have a couple guys try to stop him. Probably the worst part of being a King is having to sentence someone to death. If I had to hang some poor guy, I'd tell him that I'd like to let him go, except that "I'm kind of in the doghouse right now." Then I'd cough and point at the Queen. It doesn't bother me at all when the scientists laugh at me. I say, let's just let time be the judge whether dinosaur skeletons were left for us to pore over and examine (dull), or to tie up and use in merry puppet shows. (fun!) If I ever built a time machine, I think I'd put a big "evil" button on the control panel that didn't do anything. Then when me and my scientist guys would go into the future, I'd pretend I didn't notice when they all started looking at it. One of the guys would finally get real curious and press it, and I'd start screaming "NO! NO!! What have you done?" , and pretend like I was really upset that he'd pressed it. That way, no matter what horrible things might happen to us for the rest of our lives, we could always glare at him and go, "Yeah, thanks, Captain Curious." If I was the leader of a country, and I sort of dropped a bomb on another country, and people were saying that maybe I shouldn't have dropped it, I bet a good excuse would be to tell everyone that they asked me to drop it on them. "You can call them and ask, if you don't believe me," but they really couldn't, because everyone would be dead. If that didn't work, I could always act innocent, and maintain that I was merely being sympathetic to a country whose compressed uranium supplies were sadly lacking. We all have our secrets that no one will ever know. All of us except for Glenn Shoemaker, who's still afraid of the dark, pretends to love fine wines even though he doesn't know the first thing about them, and has a small penis. Is it morally right to sell your child to someone for a lot of money? I mean, even if you know the kid's not worth it? Caveat emptor, right? You can lead a horse to water, but you sure can't grab it by the mane and try to drown it without attracting the attention of those 'liberal, non-horse-killing' types. The beautiful tragicomic thing about the human race is 1) their basic trust in each other and 2) that they never ever in a million years expect you to pull a big shovel out of your pocket and club them in the face with it. If you had a million monkeys at a million typewriters, and you could wait an infinite number of hours, eventually all the monkeys would get hit by lightning. Then, if you taped it, you could edit out all the dull parts and put together a seriously funny half-hour show. Sometimes I look at my kids, with their Playstations and camcorders, and I just have to smile. When I was a kid, we didn't need these kinds of gadgets to have fun. No, we had a little something called vodka. Inside every fat person is a skinny person and a hundred pounds worth of little fat guys trying to get out. Sometimes we get so used to things, we don't even think about them anymore. Take coffee, for instance: everyone at work drinks it. But does anyone ever stop to think that what they're drinking is just hot water filtered through ground-up beans, then stirred to a froth by the janitor's dick when nobody's looking? Is jail really a deterrent for criminals? Maybe. It has to be better than capital punishment, anyway, which is no deterrent at all. To anybody who thinks different, I have two words: thief ghosts.