The Twilight Zone

A MAN in a spacesuit stumbles onstage, and staggers around — lost, fatigued.

MAN
No… no… no more…

Suddenly ROD SERLING - wearing a black suit, white shirt, black tie, with slicked buttered hair — walks onstage casually and addresses the audience.

ROD SERLING
Submitted for your approval: one Captain
Hunk Beefchest, American astronaut.
Handsome, prosperous, the picture of
success… and hand-picked for the first
trip... back in time.

CAPTAIN
Don't know… where I am…

ROD SERLING
And so our Captain Beefchest takes the
mission. Back in time he goes, to a
younger, primitive planet. While there,
he swats at an insignificant fly, killing
it instantly. Upon his return, our
explorer makes a horrible discovery.
Present-day Earth is now ruled by these…
big, giant lizard things.

He makes gestures to show their size.

ROD SERLING (CONT'D)
And the lizards beat him up for a bit,
really work him over. And then one of
them starts getting amorous with Captain
Beefchest, and Captain Beefchest is
frightened, right, because he knows
what's coming, you know? And the big
lizards take… turns having sex with him,
filling him in every way they can, like
mighty pistons, all muscles and sweat
and… so… just…

He realizes he is RUBBING himself and stops. He pauses for breath.

ROD SERLING (CONT'D)
Submitted for your approval, then:
Captain Beefchest, lost in an alien world
he used to call his own, just a little to
the left… of the Twilight Zone.

He smiles smugly, and turns away to leave as the LIGHTS DIM.

Suddenly:

CAPTAIN
(noticing Serling)
HEY!

The lights BRIGHTEN BACK UP. Serling is caught in mid-stride off the stage.

Serling, FLUSTERED at the recognition, pretends he does not hear the voice. Addressing the audience again:

SERLING
Well, I should be moving along.

CAPTAIN
HEY! YOU! SERLING!

The Captain gets up and LIMPS OVER to Serling, who is surprised and DARTING his head around.

SERLING
You're, uh… not supposed to be able to
see me.

CAPTAIN
Yeah, well I DO see you, and I heard all
that stuff you said. Did you do this to
me, you slick-haired bastard?

SERLING
Look, I don't — I just run a show. I come
out here and introduce the stories, you
know.

CAPTAIN
Oh, is that right? Well, who wrote this
one then?

SERLING
There were a lot of people involved, I
couldn't really —

The Captain GRABS Serling by the LAPELS.

SERLING (CONT'D)
Ahhhh! I wrote it!

CAPTAIN
You wrote it. So it was your idea to send
me back in time.

SERLING
Something like that, yes.

CAPTAIN
And have me swat that stupid fly.

SERLING
I suppose that was also me, yes.

CAPTAIN
And have me GANG-FUCKED by LIZARDS.

SERLING
Ah, yes. That. Well, thematically, it
made for an excellent "punch", you see.
We like to give it a little twist at the
end, so…

He trails off.

CAPTAIN
Thematically.

SERLING
(nodding)
Yes. Very important. Proper story arc and
such.

CAPTAIN
To have me GANG-FUCKED.

SERLING
Yes.

CAPTAIN
By LIZARDS.

SERLING
Yes. It's actually a little difficult to
explain to the layman. I ow ow ow ow ow
ow…

The Captain has released Serling's LAPELS and is pulling him around by the EAR.

SERLING (CONT'D)
Ow. Ow. Let go of my ear. Please let go
of my ear now.

CAPTAIN
Listen up, Serling. You're gonna un-write
this whole thing, you got me?
You're gonna make it so when I come back,
everything's the way it was before, got
it?

SERLING
What if I just made the lizards a little
gentler? You know, I could ow ow ow ow ow
ow…

CAPTAIN
Everything. The way. It was. Before.

SERLING
Fine. Please let go of my ear.

He does. Serling stands to his full height again, and BRUSHES his suit down. The Captain MOCK-ADVANCES on him, making him FLINCH.

SERLING (CONT'D)
(clearing his throat, reluctant)
Submitted for your approval. Captain
Beefchest, who travels back in time and
doesn't swat any flies at all, comes back
to a twisted, nightmarish future that...
is... exactly like it was before. Captain
Beefchest, with a round trip ticket... to
the Twilight Zone. There.

CAPTAIN
(looking around)
So that's it?

SERLING
That's it.

CAPTAIN
Everything's back the way it was?

SERLING
The exact same.

CAPTAIN
There're no lizards?

SERLING looks down at his feet guiltily.

CAPTAIN (CONT'D)
There're NO LIZARDS?

SERLING
Oh, come, honestly, just a few lizards!
You'll hardly even notice they're there,
I ow ow ow ow ow ow!

Again the EAR PULLING.

CAPTAIN
No lizards!

SERLING
(still in ear-lock)
Ow ow ow, submitted for your approval: no
gang-raping lizards whatsoever, in the
Twilight Zone! Let go of my fucking ear!

The Captain does.

CAPTAIN
Okay then.

Serling again DUSTS himself off.

CAPTAIN (CONT'D)
So that's really all there is to it? It's
that easy?

SERLING
It's all in the tone of voice.

CAPTAIN
Really. Huh.

He begins to WALK AWAY from Serling. Then, CALLING OUT from over his shoulder:

CAPTAIN (CONT'D)
Submitted for your approval, Rod Serling
punches himself in the face, in the
Twilight Zone!

Rod Serling punches himself in the FACE, falling over. The Captain WHIRLS around, ecstatic.

SERLING
(rubbing face)
Son of a whore!

CAPTAIN
Oh, man! This rules! Oh, wow. Uh…
submitted for your approval, Captain
Beefchest is a billionaire, with a hot
super-model wife, and… and a big house,
and a whole… big… mess of money and
power, and…

SERLING
(quickly)
…legs made out of old rubber bands, in
the Twilight Zone!

The Captain immediately TOPPLES OVER.

CAPTAIN
Submitted for your approval, Rod Serling
eats his own goddamn hand in the Twilight
Zone!

Serling involuntarily jams his FINGERS in his mouth.

SERLING
Suh-mi-heh foh yoh ah huh huh, fuh buh
muh muh guh guh buh muh… (unintelligible)

A pause. Nothing happens.

CAPTAIN
What?

SERLING
(muffled laughter)
Huhf huhf huhf huhf…

A LIZARD-MAN enters from stage right.

CAPTAIN
Agh! No! Please, no!

He is DRAGGED off-stage.

FADE OUT.