"Is that supposed to be a dress you're wearing? Dude, you look like my grandmother. What? I don't care if they're sigils. They look like Lucky Charms."

"Your beard's caught in your fly again, stupid. God, you're just so damned stupid."

"Jumanji? Your favourite film's Jumanji? You fucking IDIOT!"

"Does it hurt when I scream this in your ear? Okay., wait. Ready? ABADABBADABBADABBADABBA!"

"Okay, close your eyes. No, really, this'll be funny. Just close your eyes. They closed? Good. Okay. Now... I'm... HANGING OFF YOUR BEARD! I'M HANGING OFF YOUR BEARD!"

"No, you're absolutely right. I suppose it's normal to live in a tower by yourself with a cat and a chia pet as your only company, you fucking psycho."

"Is this soup in this cauldron here? Can I --?" (sip) "Ugh! GOD! This tastes like vomit! You cooked this? What? It's your recipe? God, this is sick!"

"This is ALL pornography? There must be, like, five hundred magazines here!"

"Baltimore? Nope, wrong answer. No orange pie piece for you. Man, you suck at Trivial Pursuit. You want to see the card? Well, I... uh, already put it back."

"No, we didn't shake on it. No. No, we didn't shake on it. I don't care if you ate the whole Milkbone. No. No, we didn't shake on it."

"There aren't even any words in this book! Are they all like this? This isn't a library! Can you even read? Here, I'm going to write something on a piece of paper, and you read it to me."

"Here's you: 'Gwa, I'm a big dumb wizard and my bum smells.' Haw! That's so you."

"BARGH!!!!" (whump whump) "Two for flinching!"

"Nice cat." (Kick) MEEEOOOORW "Fucking cats."

"Hey, why is the liquid in this little flask all sparkly and colorful and stuff? What do you mean, 'don't touch that?' What? It's highly explosive? Oh. Hey, look alive!" (throw) *tinkle* "See, it's not explosive. Try to pull one over on..." FLOOOM "Oh."

"Hey, what are you watching? The Crying Game? You've never seen this? Wow. Dude, everyone's seen this. The chick's a guy, man. A fucking guy. See that girl on the screen now? She's got a dick, man. This movie's fucked up. Why are you staring at me like that?"

"Oh, the mess in the kitchen. My girl puked last night. Sorry about that. What? Fuck that. You clean it up. You're the 'wizard'."

"Okay, here you go. You're... running through the forest. You're running through the forest. You're - what? Yeah, my hands are the trees here. Just shut up and pay attention. Okay, so you're running through the forest... going real fast... watch out... SMACK... Oh! You hit a tree! HA HA HA! Man, your forehead's so red right now!"

"Are you still practicing spells? Oh, sorry." (Pause) "So, every time I talk when you're... oh, I fucked that one up too? Okay, okay." (Pause) "ABBGRE BLE BLE BLE! What? I was just practicing spells too! Well, that's what you sound like." (Pause) "Blah blah blah blah blah, I'm a big wizard, I think I'm so big." (Pause) "Okay, I wasn't doing a spell there. There, I was just being an asshole. But before I was doing a spell, I swear."

"Whoa! Hold still. You've got the ugliest, straggliest beard hair sticking out there. No, just hold still and shut up, I got it." (Pluck) "Oh, MAN! You scream just like a little girl! No, I will not be quiet, I'm serious! Oh, shut up, you big pussy. Your beard's so long and stupid anyway. I was doing you a favor, you hairy freak."

"Man, did you flush last time? Dude, there's just the two of us. Me? Like I'd leave a friggin' subway train in the bowl like that. It's just common courtesy, man. And anyway, what's with your ass? Those shits are all shaped weird. I bet those jewels of yours aren't magical at all. I bet you just painted some turds of yours. Oh, come on, laugh! It's funny! No, just shut up and laugh, you old smelly bastard."

"Born to be wiiiiiild, duuum... dum, dum dum... what? Sure you like that song. Everybody likes that song! Oh? Okay, I'll stop." (Pause) "GET YOUR MOTOR RUNNIN'... geez! Okay already! You know, it's your music that sucks, not mine. Don't think I don't know about when you put on the headphones and pretend to conduct that Mozart shit you like. I come in and watch you. Well, you should lock your door if you don't want me to come in."

"Shut up. No... NO, I don't care. Just shut up... shut up! You always have to have the last word! Shut up! ShutUpThat'sTheLastWordNowICan'tHearYou! LA LA LA LA I CAN'T HEAR YOU LA LA LA LA!"

"Is this your mom here? Yeah, this picture. I dunno, guy. She's pretty weird looking. What's with that brown thing on her cheek? A beauty mark? It looks like she's been eating shit sandwiches or something. Look, just shut up, I was only kidding."

FWOOOOSH "What the fuck? I'm a frog now? You're such a goddamn prick. Boy, we were both having a good time, and then all of the sudden this? Just... look, just shut up."