The Book of Haggai


In the Book of Genesis, God creates the Earth and all of its creatures, sees that it is good, and rests. Three pages later God wakes up, decides it isn't maybe that hot after all, and drowns everyone. Before He shakes his Earth-sized Etch-A-Sketch, God tells Noah to find two of every animal on the planet. The Lord’s apparently hesitant to spare a further seven days to simply remake the planet. Having a boat-building geriatric locate two of every animal on the planet and poke them until they fuck each other strikes Him as the simplest alternative.

Once He’s drowned every living thing, God realizes shit might have gotten a little out of hand. “I will not again curse the ground any more for man's sake,” He decides. “Neither will I again smite any more every thing living, as I have done.” Smooth sailing for Earth, it seems.

Uncanny X-Men’s only got thirty years of continuity, and their writers are always forgetting who knows whose secret identity or which villain is supposed to be dead this year. The Old Testament was written over the course of hundreds of years — it's a wonder they didn’t lose a Commandment. So it's certainly not surprising when God does an about-face on his no-kill stance a few hundred pages later in the Book of Zephaniah, once again actively plotting our deaths.

“I will utterly sweep away everything from the face of the earth,” says the Lord. “I will sweep away humans and animals; I will sweep away the birds of the air and the fish of the sea. I will cut off humanity from the face of the earth.” (Zeph 1:2) God's justification for his kill-rampage is that He gave us all free will to decide whether or not to worship Him, and it turns out a few people didn’t.

This is Old Testament God, though, so honestly, who fucking knows. Maybe someone got lippy with a prayer or dropped their keys or something. Either way, half of the Book of Zephaniah is God telling us how much we should love Him, and the other half is composed of graphic depictions of Him murdering us, grabbing birds out of the sky and strangling trout.

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