God describes His kill spree in loving microscopic detail, stopping just shy of pulling out an Earth phone book and threatening everyone in alphabetical order. It's funny how God only works in "mysterious ways" when he's pulling the sort of insane shit you usually do jail time for. Giving people the choice to worship you then killing them if they don't isn't "mysterious." David Copperfield's mysterious. It's entirely possible God’s just a complete madman, and everybody's too polite to say anything. If you ask someone for some potato chips and they say “You’ve got free will – it’s up to you,” I don't think they’re allowed to blow up Europe if you grab a handful. In movies, the lunatic threatening to kill everybody because they don't love him enough is the guy Bruce Willis shoots a lot of times. In the Bible, it's the guy Bruce Willis prays to.

At one point God says He’ll “search Jerusalem with lamps” (Zeph 1:12) so He can hunt out anybody who might have accidentally survived His initial murder-wave. The Lord doesn't explain how He can invent the universe but needs a lamp to find people when it's dark. But forget that for a second. Just imagine how angry you'd have to be to obliterate all life from a planet, then actually take the time to walk through parts of it with a flashlight to double-check the body count.

When children aren't responsible enough to care for a pet, you give them a goldfish instead of a puppy and see if they strap it to a Hot Wheels car and fire it off the staircase. Maybe God should have given hamsters free will first, just to see how that played out. On their free willingest day, a hamster maybe makes a ballsy decision to poop in its food dish. If that's the sort of thing that results in one dead hamster and five Lord-shaped hand marks on its windpipe, chances are God's the sort of guy to launch humanity out of a Hot Wheels first chance He gets.